Describing Life
by SenatorSolo
Summary: The Dwarfers land on an unknown planet and are entered into a talk show called Describing Life. What happens when the answers to questions start more problems? Contains one weird hostess and several weird producers. Makes for a good read!
1. Behind the Scenes

Alright, for any of you who read my profile, you'll know that I said two weeks before another story. I lied. I'll put up the first chapter then it'll be two weeks before the rest of it! Okay. Here it goes.

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Info to Know

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Red Dwarf crash landed on a planet inhabited by . . . humans! Very lucky for Lister and Cat, but not so much for Kryten and Rimmer who were laughed at and made fun of. Luckily, Lister and Cat vouched for Kryten and Rimmer so that they would not get thrown into jail for being a disruption of the peace. Instead, Lister, Cat, Rimmer and Kryten were chosen to perform on the talk show _Describing Life. _In _Describing Life _the contestants each describe their living conditions and their friends. On in the case of Red Dwarf, acquaintances. The people on planet Letslivehappylives needed a bit more fun, and the Dwarfers were chosen to give it to them.

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Behind the Scenes . . Lister

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"Hello Mr . . . ." said a friendly lady, shaking Lister's hand.

"Dave, Dave Lister," he said.

"Hello Dave Lister. I'm Leona Alwaysright, the host of _Describing Life_. You and your friends have been chosen to appear on this daily talk show and talk about your friends and your life." She smiled showing all thirty-six of her pearly whites and shook her head to get the hair out of her eyes.

_This lady is way too happy_, thought Lister, nodding and smiling while pretending to pay attention.

"Oh goodie!" said Lister sarcastically. "It's what I've always wanted."

"Right," said Leona, leading him into a small conference room. "This is where one of our five producers will talk to you. You can sit down in this chair right here," she said, motioning to a rigid backed chair.

For the only time in his entire life, Lister was happy to be out of the company of a woman. The lady with fake red hair, cut into a bob style, left the room, smiling and giving him a wave that would have been embarrassing if he had been paying attention.

A tall man walked into the room. "Hello Mr. Lister, I'm Bobo Neverwrong, producer and CEO of _Describing Life._ I've come to tell you your phrase."

Lister stared at him blankly.

"Oh, did Leona not tell you? Well, whenever we interview you about a person in your life you must use this phrase in describing them. Your phrase is 'undeniably stupid.'" said Bobo, smiling at him.

"So, if they asked me about you, I would have to say something like, Bobo is undeniably stupid?" asked Lister.

"Yes," said Bobo, still smiling, obviously not having caught the insult. "But you say more than that. Tell us everything about that person from your point of view."

"Okay," said Lister dully.

"Now, I'm going to leave you here. Don't go anywhere, so we can find you when it's time for you to go on stage!" Bobo left the room, thankfully.

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Behind the Scenes . . . Rimmer

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"Hello there, I'm Leona Alwaysright," said Leona Alwaysright.

"Hi, I'm Admiral Arnold J. Rimmer," said Rimmer.

"Good to meet you. Follow me please."

Rimmer followed the lady. Her smiled seemed to be plastered onto her face. Man, that was annoying.

"In here please," she said, ushering Rimmer into a conference room different from Lister's. "You are going to be on the show _Describing Life_. On this show, I will interview you about your life and acquaintances. You will tell me all about them from your point of view, but when talking about each person, you must use the phrase 'what a git!'"

"That won't be too hard," muttered Rimmer.

"Lovely. Now you stay in here until you are called onto the stage. Buh bye Arnie!" she said, waving her little wave and smiling her little smile.

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Behind the Scenes . . . Cat

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"Erm, excuse me?" asked Leona, looking at Cat licking his jacket.

"What do you want?" asked Cat. Looking up, he saw it was a woman, "Can I help you? My name is Cat, and I am at your service whenever you need me," he purred.

She laughed. "Please follow me," she said. "My name is Leona Alwaysright and I am the host of the talk show _Describing Life._ You are a contestant in it." They walked down the hallway a little more, Cat staring at Leona. "Please go into this room. Ira Notanidiot will be in to talk with you soon."

Cat walked in the room, praying to Cloister that Ira was a girl too.

A short, fat, hairy man walked into the room. "Hi, I'm Ira Notanidiot," he said in a rat-like voice. "I'm going to tell you about our show. Leona will interview you about your life and your friends. Whenever she asks you about your friends you have to use the phrase 'down the drains,' in describing them."

"Okay. When do I see Leona?" asked Cat.

"Shortly," replied Ira. "Now you wait in here until you are called." He left the room.

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Behind the scenes . . . Kryten

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"Will you please follow me?" asked Leona, sneaking up behind Kryten and scaring him out of his mind.

"Yes, ma'am," he said, putting his eyes back into place for they had popped out when Leona spoke.

They walked down a long hallway to yet another conference room. "My name is Leona Alwaysright and I am the host of the show _Describing Life._ Please wait in this room for one of our producers to explain to you about the show."

"Alright ma'am. I'm Kryten, by the way, Kryten 2X4B 523P."

"Nice to meet you Mr. 2PX5 P4B2," she called, walking out of the room.

"2X4B 523P," said Kryten angrily.

"Hallo there!" said a lady walking into the room. "I am Sarah Verysmart, co-producer of the talk show here."

Kryten nodded.

"On this show you will talk about your life and your friends. When you talk about your friends, you must use the phrase 'dirtier than doorknobs' in your description at least one time each. I will be back in a few minutes to bring you onto the stage."

Sarah walked out of the door leaving Kryten to himself.

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Behind the Scenes . . . Leona Alwaysright

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Leona wiped the fake smile off her face before entering the production room. "This is going to be a very good show, a very good show," she said, talking to all of her producers.

"I trust you are going to do it the _normal _way Mrs. Alwaysright?" asked Bobo Neverwrong.

"Yes. But I will make it more intersting," said Leona.

"Good," smirked Sarah Verysmart.

Ira Notanidiot nodded in agreement.

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So, what's going to happen? If you review really fast, I might be able to get another chapter up tomorrow! 


	2. Kryten Interviewed

Lots of thanks to Sojuske, Zombie Kitty, Sunrise over the Tango factory, and boogle for reviewing. Oh my gosh you review fast! I'm glad that you all seem to like it. Yes, Sojuske, it's a little confusing, but you have the general idea. The host and producers are not the nicest people, though their planet name says otherwise. Here's chapter two, (I just had to review 'cause you seemed to like it so much, but I won't be able to for a while after this chapter).

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Kryten Interviewed

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"Hi everybody! My name is Leona Alwaysright and I would like to be the first to welcome you to another one of our wonderful shows. Today we have four different men who live together on a spaceship. They are going to talk about their lives and their friendship," said Leona, sitting on a fluffy chair on the stage, smiling at the camera. "Our first contestant is Kryten 2X4B 523P. He is not a human he is a . . . a machine."

Kryten was ushered out onto the stage by Sarah Verysmart, looking utterly confused.

"Hello Kryten, say 'hi' to the audience and take a seat in this chair here," said Leona, patting a chair across the table from her.

Kryten looked out over the audience. It was filled with a thousand faces just like Leona's. Happy. He waved. That seemed to make them happy. Then he walked over to the chair and sat down, popping a spring in the process.

"Oh burst my bubble!" he cried, fixing the loose spring in his leg. The crowd clapped appreciatively.

"So, tell us Kryten. What are your friends like?" asked Leona.

"Well," started Kryten. "First there is Lister. He is always dirtier than doorknobs and has a smell to match. He was the first person to make me feel at home on the ship, though it makes me wonder why I still clean his undergarments."

The crowd laughed.

This made Kryten feel bold and he plowed onwards. "Rimmer is a complete and utter smeghead. It is not his outward appearance that is dirtier than doorknobs, but his mind. He has a sick, sick mind. He makes up fantasies and at night I can hear him playing them out in his bedroom. It's entirely gross."

The crowd moaned with sympathy for Kryten.

"And Cat, well, he is just a . . . a strange man. Not even a man. He's a Cat, and he claims to clean his own clothes, with his tongue I might add." There came a 'yuck' from the crowd. "When really he is not cleaning his clothes at all. They are much, much dirtier than doorknobs!"

The crowd erupted with cheers and hollers for Kryten. He even stood up and bowed, letting his fifteen minutes of fame affect his ego.

"So," said Leona after the cheering died down, "you don't exactly consider your living mates your friends?"

"Absolutely smegging well not!" said Kryten.

"What is your job on the ship?" asked Kryten.

"I'm the maid." The crowd said 'aww.' "They make me scrub and clean till kingdom come." With that last thought, Kryten burst into tears.

Kryten was ushered off the stage by Sarah Verysmart and back into his private conference room.

"Well," said Leona after Kryten left, "Let's give Kryten a big hand!"

The crowd gave Kryten a big hand.

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Meanwhile, in each of the conference rooms of Lister, Rimmer, and Cat, a screen had popped up and on it they all saw Kryten. And they all heard what he had said about each of them.

_I do not have a smell to match, _thought Lister, sniffing his armpits.

_He knows about my make-believe fantasies? _thought Rimmer.

_He insulted my clothes! _thought Cat, taking offense, not for himself, though, for his clothing.

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Okay . . . this is the last chapter for a while. I hope everybody liked it. Please review! 


	3. Lister Interviewed

Okay, you know what? I felt so bad about leaving you with nothing to read, that I wrote y'all another chapter. Don't you feel so very special? Well, many thanks to Sojuske, boogle, and Sunrise over the Tango Facotry for great reviews! Thnak boogle for persuading me to update in her review. Okay, here's the new chapter. (Seriously the last one for a while).

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Lister Interviewed

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"Now for a commercial break," said Leona Alwaysright, to the video camera and audience. If people had been watching their telly at home, they would have seen a stupid commercial for cat food and a commercial with a catchy jingle about diapers, and of course, the tampon commercial. 

"And welcome back to _Describing Life_," said Leona smiling. "Our next interviewee is a man from planet earth. Earth? Well, where ever he's from, I'm sure he will be entertaining. Please give a big round of applause to Mr. Dave Lister!"

The crowd clapped and cheered as Lister came walking out followed closely by Bobo Neverwrong who was making sure that he wasn't going to run away. Several teenaged girls in the crowd had purchased large buttons that said 'I love Dave Lister!' on them and were screaming out his name. What weirdos.

"Now Dave," said Leona, as the crowd quieted. "Please have a seat." Lister sat. "Now, I'm going to interview you. That means I ask you questions and you answer them."

Lister stared at her. Sure, he was stupid, but not even Rimmer was that stupid.

"Okay," said Leona, "Now, tell me, no, tell us," she motioned around at the crowd, "what are your friends, or acquaintances like?"

"Okay," said Lister, getting himself into a more comfortable position. This consisted of taking off his shoes, (much to Leona's dismay), and propping his legs and feet up on the table in front of him. "Well, first there's Rimmer. You know how when you go to college and get a roommate, he's supposed to be your best friend? Well, that's what I thought about Rimmer for the first thirty seconds I knew him. But then he put on his Hammond Organ music and he became my worst nightmare. I have to share a room with him! He's so undeniably stupid. He's failed the exact same test thirteen times. He's a sad attempt at a man."

The crowd cheered for Lister and boo-hissed at Rimmer.

"What about your other mates?" asked Leona.

"Next there is Kryten. Now, he really gets on my nerves. He's always got to watch this undeniably stupid television show called' Androids,' and if he misses it, I have to record it for him. It's a nightmare. Then, he insists on cleaning my room sometimes. When I go in there after he's cleaned, I find it covered in lace, and all my collections of things are in the trash compactor. Like my mold collection, he's thrown that out before. And my playboy cut-outs. He just doesn't get it."

The crowd cheered again, egging him on.

"Finally," said Lister, relaxing into his plush chair, "there's Cat. Cat's a really fun person. Sometimes. I mean, I have these really great conversations with him, but then we both go away feeling undeniably stupid. It's terrible to feel that way when you're with a mate. And sometimes, he's just disgusting. I mean, I can eat a lot of things, but I can't eat a raw fish!"

That set the crowd roaring again, making Lister's ego get quite a bit larger.

"What do you do?" asked Leona.

"Hmm?" asked Lister.

"I mean, your job. What do you _do_?" she asked.

"I don't do anything," said Lister, getting great applause from the crowd. "I live the free life."

Bobo Neverwrong came back out onto the stage to usher Lister from it. Lister was given a cup of water and locked back in his conference room.

As he was leaving the stage, Leona called for a great round of applause of Lister, her first willing contestant in quite a while.

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Back in the conference rooms of the other dwarfers, the big screens had switched on again. First, all of them had to endure to commercials for cat food, diapers, and tampons. Then Lister's face appeared on the screen. Needless to say the guys were not to happy to hear what he was saying. 

_My God, he's had to go and embarrass me again. I didn't fail thirteen times. I just did no so good, _thought Rimmer.

_I get lots of things, _thought Kryten. _Like Androids. I get Androids. Those playboy things he keeps are awful anyways. It's just naked girls. What's so great about that? I much prefer a vacuum catalogue._

_Can't eat raw fish?_ _How outrageous. Why didn't monkey face say anything about my beautiful ass?_ thought Cat.

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Please, please review. I hope you like it. Oh, I deserve reviews 'cause I updated now instead of in two weeks. Ha! 


	4. Cat Interviewed

Okay, I'm back, and I'm updating just like I promised I would. First of all, many thanks to boogle, Sunrise over the Tango factory, and Zombie Kitty for reviewing chapter three. Now, here is Cat's interview . . . hope you lurve it!

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Cat Interviewed

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"And welcome back to our lovely television show, _Describing Life. _Our next contestant is a man, well actually, a cat man, from outer space. He was born and raised on the ship Red Dwarf, and has lived his entire life among our other contestants. Please, put your hands together and welcome Cat!" said Leona Alwaysright, smiling her pretty little smile.

Cat followed Ira Notanidiot out of the back room. He was wearing a stylish black and white jacket with black slacks, and white polka-dotted slippers. All in all, he looked 'smeggin' fantastic.'

The crowd followed Cat and Ira with their eyes, and did not applaud until Ira had ushered Cat into his seat. Ira backed off, making sure that the audience could see all of Cat's sexy body. Then the crowd roared and swooned for about five minutes.

"Hello Cat," purred Leona. "Welcome to _Describing Life_. Right now I'm going to interview you. What do you think of your friends?"

"Who cares what I think about my friends," said Cat, sitting up and strutting over to Leona's chair, "It only matters what I think about you."

The crowd whistled as Cat tried to kiss Leona. Unfortunately, Leona was not in the mood to be kissed by total strangers and smacked him.

"You like it rough then?" asked Cat. "So do I."

Leona called for security guards who, with a little difficulty, forced Cat back into his chair and handcuffed his hand behind his back.

"Silver?" moaned Cat, "Don't you have a more stylish color? These handcuffs have ruined my outfit."

Giving Cat no time to compose himself, Leona jumped right back into the interview. "Tell me about your friends, or the people that you live with," she prompted.

"Oh, alright. If you really want to hear about these people. Kryten is such a messed up thing, it's not even funny. I mean seriously, who could live with a head the shape of a rubber tipped pencil, that's been chewed on no less. Oh the shame. And he talks too much, always saying 'Should I do that or you, sir?' or 'No, honestly, don't you know how to fold clothes?' Sometimes I wish I could flush his several heads down the drains." Cat sniffed. "Leona, baby, I've an itch on my lips. Will you please come scratch it?"

"No! Who do you think I am? Your personal servant?" she asked angrily. "Tell us about the others."

"Well, whatever you want Miss Alwaysright. Who do you think I am, your personal servant?" mimicked Cat. The security guards popped their knuckles menacingly. "Fine! Lister is my friend alright? Okay, so sometimes he smells, and he never mentions my beautiful ass, but I like him. We can go fishing and talk about Rimmer together, once though, his head burst, and I really wanted to flush him down the drains, but I resisted."

The crowd awwed and Leona Alwaysright looked angry. "What about the other?" she asked, hissing between her teeth.

"What Rimmer? No comment man. He has no fashion sense whatever and even when I tell him about it, he insists on wearing green or red suits. Sometimes, when he gets really annoying, I just want to flush his light bee down the drains, then we'd be done with him forever."

The crowd clapped appreciatively. Leona looked happier now that Cat was bashing another person. "Thank you Cat." She nodded to Ira Notanidiot, who escorted Cat off the stage. "Now lets get Rimmer out here," said Leona, "After this commercial break."

The crowd clapped and cheered.

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Meanwhile, Lister, Kryten, and Rimmer were enduring painful words from Cat's face on the big screen. First though, they had to get over the embarrassment he caused them by hitting on Leona.

_Flush my heads down the drains? How terrible. Only a completely awful person would do a thing like that, _thought Kryten.

_I'm glad he didn't flush me down the drains. Friends? Aww, I'm touched, _thought Lister, _Though I didn't say the greatest things about him . . . _

_I'm already dead and he wants to kill me again? By flushing me down the drain? _thought Rimmer. _I should have expected something like this!_

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Okay, I finally got Cat's interview up, I hope you like it tons and tons! 


	5. Rimmer Interviewed

Woah! I went on an unexpected vacation, but now I'm back and writing for you. Thanks a billion to Zombie Kitty, Sunrise over the Tango factory, cazflibs, and boogle. I loved your reviews! Excellent. Here is Rimmer's interview . . .

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Rimmer Interviewed

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Rimmer was nervous. Sure, he had the chance to make the impression of a lifetime, but the things that the others had said about him were making him feel totally awful. Seriously, he felt as if he was going to die of self inflicted embarrassment.

Oh well.

He jumped up as Leona Alwaysright herself entered his chamber. "Will you please hurry up?" she hissed. "The crowd can only watch mechanoid commercials for so long." Under her breath she added, "I hate those blasted metal things . ."

Rimmer gave his signature salute and followed Leona out of the room, butterflies bouncing around in his stomach. He tried to turn around as soon as he saw the size of the crowd and the number of video cameras, but two surly security guards had been tailing him. They caught him mid turn and dragged him out onto the stage.

Leona sat down on her fluffy chair and the guards ushered Rimmer to the adjacent one. She gestured to the cameras and the tall cameraman gave the countdown.

Three.

Two.

One.

The crowd applauded. Leona stood up, "And welcome back to another marvelous session of _Describing Life_." The crowd continued applauding. "Our newest addition to our line of contestants is one Arnold Judas Rimmer." Rimmer cringed. The audience laughed. "So, Arnold," Leona sat and turned to face Rimmer, "tell me, no tell the world, how you fell about your shipmates."

Rimmer stood up and saluted. There were sniggers from the crowd. Rimmer threw the dirtiest look he could muster, but only succeeded in making himself look like he was constipated. Oops.

"My shipmates," he boomed, striding over the stage, a new confidence taking over his body, "are complete and utter smegheads." Leona nodded at him appreciatively.

"Let me begin with Lister. The first thing that pops into mind when you think of Lister is . . 'what a git!' He lounges around without socks on and wearing shirts that look as if a cat puked on them watching sappy movies that make him cry. It's utterly . . well actually, it's quite funny." Rimmer put on a face that related him to a monkey and mimed watching a movie. All of a sudden he feigned crying. The crowd laughed. At him, not with him.

Rimmer however thought that he was getting encouraged. "Then there is Cat. Cat thinks himself the most beautiful person in the world, when in reality, what a git! I mean, he is awful. I cannot even begin to describe how dreadfully dreadful he really is. He goes around staring at himself all the time."

The crowd stared at Rimmer as if he were the scum of the universe.

He coughed, embarrassed. "Hmm, well. Kryten was good for a while. He helped do laundry and peel potatoes, then all of a sudden, he went insane. He kept calling me a smee, a smeee heee actually. I've never quite figured out why. What a git!"

He sat. The crowd looked expectantly at Leona. She cleared her throat. "Well. Give a round of applause to our final contestant. Later today we will bring them all up here together and see what sparks fly. Will it be for the better? Or for the worse?"

Rimmer was escorted off stage as the cameras shut off to make way for commercials.

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Lister, Kryten, and Cat were all sitting as far away from the big screen as possible. They could hardly bear the thought of Rimmer being out there alone. Kryten had already attempted suicide twice. Fortunately, the damage was not too bad.

_Those movies, they really are sad. Curse Rimmer for not watching them,_ thought Lister, tears coming to his eyes as he thought of what had happened to Selenea is the last movie.

_What is he talking about?_ thought Cat, _I am the most beautiful person in the world. No, the universe. _He brushed his hair.

_What a smeeeee— What a smeeee heeeeeeee! _thought Kryten.

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Okay, next is them all together. Please review! Hope you liked it. 


	6. All Together

Wow! Okay, thanks a bunch to Sunrise over the Tango factory for being the first, and so far only, person to review my previous chapter. So thanks a bunch to Sunrise and whoever else might review after I write this chapter. Here it is . .

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All Together

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Each of the four dwarfers sat in their private cubicles watching stupid commercials on the big screen. None of them had gotten over what the others had said about them. It seemed as if somebody was trying to send their already sketchy relationships down the drains. Pun intended.

_The snack that smiles back goldfish_, sang the large screen.

Simultaneously, the door to each cubicle opened and a person stepped in. Rimmer was greeted by Leona Alwaysright. Lister by Bobo Neverwrong. Cat by Ira Notanidiot. And Kryten by Sarah Verysmart.

Each member of Red Dwarf was ushered out of the cubicle and into another larger conference room. What they didn't know was that there were hidden cameras all over the room that would soon be filming and broadcasting their every move and word.

"You all should stay in here for a while to work out your differences," smiled Leona at the four shipmates. The other three producers smiled and waved before leaving the room after Leona. Nobody heard the lock click.

The room was very white with padded walls and floor, but at the time, nobody paid the least bit of attention to the strangeness of the room. The first thing Lister did was throw a mighty punch at Kryten, hitting him in the eye.

Rimmer, being the coward that he was, backed away into a corner and covered his head with his arms. Though he was hard to hurt in his hard light form, Rimmer had an acute fear of pain. Unfortunately, Cat went for Rimmer, instead of joining the fight between Lister and Kryten.

"You said I wasn't beautiful." Cat kicked Rimmer hard. Rimmer whimpered. "That alone deserves death."

Rimmer stood up. "Well, you can't hurt me," he jeered. "I'm a hologram." Rimmer tried reaching inside himself to remove his light bee, but decided that it was not a good idea to do so. Then Cat could just step on it and Rimmer would be truly, clinically, dead.

Cat kicked Rimmer a few more times before losing interest and joining the fight between Lister and Kryten. Well, he didn't join it exactly, he placed a bet. Against Kryten. While Rimmer bet against Lister.

Kryten pulled Lister's hair while Lister tried to maneuver to a position where he could remove Kryten's head.

"You insolent little–" Kryten's speech was cut off as Lister succeeded in removing Kryten's head. He then preceded to kick it repeatedly into the wall.

Cat and Rimmer had finally had enough. Rimmer ran to Kryten, dragging his body towards Lister, while Cat pushed Lister into the wall, restraining him.

"You can't kill him buddy," said Cat.

"I can, I can . . ." Lister panted.

Rimmer meanwhile was trying to reattach Kryten's head. He finally succeeded.

"I didn't need your help you smmmeeeeee. You smeeeeeee. You smeeeeee heeeeee! Oh forget it." Kryten gave Rimmer the middle finger instead.

"And you," he said to Lister, "are a complete and total git. Never again will I wash your underwear. Never again will I make you dinner. Oh no. Never again will I do anything for you," he said, pointing a Lister.

Cat let Lister go. "Oh yeah?" Lister asked, "Never again will I help defend you from Rimmer, never again will I go dancing with you."

"Oh, so now we're stating our 'never again's," asked Cat happily. He looked at Kryten. "Never again will I let you drive Starbug," he said.

Rimmer stared at them all. Then it dawned on him. "Hey guys?" Nobody paid him any attention. "Hello?" Noone answered. "Hey, ass-holes!" That got their attention. "We're on a television show right?" he asked. They nodded. "They are watching us for entertainment. They like to see us fight."

Everybody looked up into corners of the room. Sure enough, there were four black cameras staring down at them. Lister called a group huddle. "We'll give them what they want," he whispered. "Fake it."

For once, everybody agreed. Each person already had enough bruises to prove that they had been fighting, but that didn't mean they had to get anymore. Lister threw a fake punch at Rimmer who ducked and kicked Cat, who howled in pain and toppled over onto Kryten.

They heard a click and started shouting curses and throwing more punches and kicks some of which hit people accidentally. The door swung open and the Dwarfers stopped dead. Leona Alwaysright entered the room. "You will stay here until you solve all your problems," she said then turned and left the room.

They started to throw more fake punches but moved closer together at a gesture from Lister. "Solving our problems means death," said Lister. "They want us to kill each other."

Rimmer whispered back. "Fake this too." He pretended to knock Lister to the ground and pretended to stomp on his heart and face and place-where-it-hurts. "Are you dead yet?" he whispered out of the corner of his mouth.

"Yes," Lister whispered back, and closed his eyes, feigning death.

Rimmer then went on to 'kill' both Cat and Kryten. Then, doing the first really great acting he had ever done in his life, he pretended remorse, and took his light bee out of himself, thereby 'killing' himself. Seriously, the people from planet Letslivehappylives wouldn't know the difference.

Leona and the three assistants entered the room soon after to drag out the 'dead' bodies. The bodies weren't quite dead. The three got up and Lister grabbed Rimmer's light bee. They ran out the door.

"Buh bye suckers," shouted Lister over his shoulder.

The producers of _Describing Life _were never quite the same after that.

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Okay, I finished my story. Please, please review for the last time. I'll be eternally grateful! X**o**X**o**X 


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